Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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