you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
