Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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