and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
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I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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