There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
