How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
