Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
