the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
