Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
