I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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