My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
