I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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