i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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