my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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