She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Can Purell be used as lube?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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