He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
