I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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