I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My breasts were aching with rage.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
