yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Randomize
