guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
