I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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