so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
