I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
