he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
