Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
