Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
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he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
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I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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