pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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