Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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