I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
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It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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