We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
