exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Everclear isn't food dammit
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