He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
