I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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