The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
