my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
