The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
