so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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