He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
