My hand turned me down
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
