people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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