college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
