Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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