my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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