I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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