I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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