Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
