My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
