Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
