Apparently you make a good broom.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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