I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
