Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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