so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
