I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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