woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
