thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
