the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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