yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
