Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.