Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
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We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
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i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.